On Life and Surprises

Harper’s Harpings – What They Don’t Tell You About Corsets

What they don't tell you about corsets

I have had a few pieces of underwear over the years that had restricted this and flattened that.  Each and every time I have worn them, I have regretted it.  They either made me look like a barrel or they kept falling down/rolling up.  Ladies you will know what I mean.  I swear that those pieces of clothing are meant for people without curves and that defeats the whole purpose of  clean lines under your clothes and giving shape.

Anyway! (I interrupt this blog to inform you that the ‘w’ on my keyboard is stuck and I have to hit it hard to get it to behave.  This isn’t the first time I have had to do such things.  It is annoying as hell so there will be fewer words with ‘w’ in them in this piece).

Corsets, now, I have bought a few of the stretchy kind but they really didn’t do the job.  So, I bought a proper corset, boy are they heavy.

There are many things that do not come on the instruction leaflet (there isn’t one, I am talking metaphorically), and here is a little story of the first time I wore a proper corset.

I knew which occasion I would wear the corset for the first time, it was an author’s weekend.  Good choice? Well we’ll see.  I had quickly tried it on when I had bought it just to see if it fitted and then took it off as I had chosen a ridiculous time to try it on.  Wrapping the ribbons around the body of the corset I placed it in my underwear draw and didn’t look at it again until I packed it for my weekend away.

On the Saturday evening of the weekend away there was a Gala Dinner and I was going to wear it under my red dress.  I bought a pink corset, I hate pink, why I chose pink is unknown to me.  Prior to getting ready for the Gala Dinner I had a cheeky glass of wine with friends before we scuttled off to get ready in our rooms (first mistake).

Scrubbed and soaped clean I put my underwear set on and then the corset.  This corset was a clever little thing, laced at the back and front metal fastenings.  Clipping the front on I then pulled on the lace ribbon and tied myself into the contour shaping item.  Fabulous, success! (mistake number two).

I shouldn’t have been so hasty to don the item.  It didn’t feel heavy on, it felt comfortable and it gave me a fantastic waist.  It is an under the breast one which I will explain later why.

Walking around the hotel room bare foot admiring that I had poured myself into the beautiful pink (I like pink now) corset I went to add hosiery. Ah, hmmmmm, can’t bend down, hells bells.  What to do?  Now, if I hadn’t had the glass of wine I would have taken the corset off and added hosiery and then put the corset back on, but no, wine doesn’t make you think straight.

I struggled and managed to ladder two sets of hosiery, set number three was a success, hurrah! Very pleased with myself, I had conquered the hosiery problem.  Self satisfied smirk followed, conveniently forgetting I had laddered a fair amount to get there.  Dress slipped on and now I was ready for my shoes.

(Third mistake), I still couldn’t bend down and I had t-bar black heels to get on, well twenty minutes later, I added them too.  Why don’t they tell you these things, which order to dress when you are wearing a corset.  Lesson learned, I was dressed and ready to skip down the corridor to my girl friends for a quick drink and then onto the party.

I rapped on the door to which they bellowed ‘if you don’t have vodka, you’re not coming in’.  I explained to the closed door and the corridor that I had brought them a signed copy of my paper back and would that grant me entry.  Yes it did.

They opened the door and gaped at me and whistled, I had forgotten of course, cinched in waist makes one’s chest more pronounced.  My chest doesn’t need any more pronouncement, hence me getting an under the breast corset.

They couldn’t take their eyes or hands off them.  Hmmmm, so with a shrug of the shoulders and we made our way to the party, where another author couldn’t take his eyes off them or his hands, head, hands again.  Cheeky person that he is.  Thankfully he wasn’t on my table but the girls were.  There were times where I had to slap some hands away, in the end I gave up.  Every now and then I would have a breast weighed or cupped.

Eating, they don’t tell you about that either, after the starters, I announced that main course was not going to happen unless I was let out a bit.  Many glasses had been consumed, so I didn’t risk undoing my handy work, I got someone else to let me out (more slapping away of hands).

I wasn’t quite expecting the results from the corset but it is the best piece of underwear I have ever bought.  I am going to buy a second one.

The moral of this story is:

  • Corset goes on last before the dress
  • If wine goes straight to your head do not drink prior to putting on corset unaided
  • Be prepared for everyone to look at your chest
  • Have an amazing time but allow for the fact that you may not be able to eat much.

Thanks for reading



Harper’s Motto: You will not be everybody’s favourite flavour, but that’s ok, because they will not always be your favourite flavour.   Be who you want to be and you will attract the people who will support you no matter what.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.